The Aftermath

March 4, 2011

Life, man.

Falling asleep last night was AWFUL. I think there was spiritual warfare involved. I fell asleep for like an hour and woke up feeling like I was going to die. I felt like my body was completely silent and like my blood pressure was freakishly slow… I was really scared. Then I couldn’t breathe. And my foot was SO RESTLESS AND I COULND’T MOVE IT BECAUSE IT HURT!!!

Deb prayed for me and read me Isaiah because I couldn’t; my eyes would not stay open. Then I played Pride and Prejudice on my computer, but didn’t watch a SECOND. I was out like a light.

Debster woke me up at 7 this morning, but I fell back asleep til 7:30, so I missed breakfast. Never fear! I am LOADED on granola bars and apples. I skyped my fam for a bit, and then began the oh so torturously long journey to chapel. (in actuality, it’s about a 30 second walk.) But today… oh, man. Luckily, SJ and Meghan found me right as I was about to tackle the super steep stairs. Thanks, guys!!

When I got to chapel, I didn’t stay long. As we opened in prayer, I started crying. It wasn’t really physical pain. I mean, YES, my foot HURTS, but it was mental trauma. I was crying through the first song. And once they got to the second song, the lyrics were “why are you crying.” At that moment, I was out. Karissa and Heather helped me hobble outside. SJ came too. I was BAWLING, feeling completely broken. Where I happened to be sitting was facing the waterfall. Ah.

I am still processing.

But one thing is for sure.

My mind is WAY more messed up than my body.

Which, I guess I should be grateful for…?

When I had somewhat calmed down, Heather, Karissa and I went behind the stage to listen to the sermon. I wanted to hear the message, but the LAST thing I wanted to do was distract people. Something positive? It was clean laundry day, so I was able to rest my foot on Kristina’s clean laundry! Hurrah!

After chapel, Kayla and Zach prayed for me. That was the best thing ever. It reminded me not to let my spirit be discouraged. I decided I wanted to try to let joy shine through everything- the trauma, the pain, the fear, the uncertainty, the confusion… Because joy is a CHOICE. It is not dependent on circumstance. And sure as heck, I wasn’t going to let the enemy rob me of my joy.  

This lead me to my decision to be excited for Reagan and Kristina take me to get X rays. I’ve never gone to a hospital for my own medical purposes, so WHY NOT be excited?!

What an adventure! Let me just say, I am SO THANKFUL FOR KRISITINA! Without her, I would have been flipping out. I hate paperwork and machines and doctors and hospital smell… Kristina, you are an angel. THANK YOU.

The three of us definitely bonded in the waiting room. So great J.

When I went back to get my x rays, the lady was… shall we say… not very gentle? She was HARASSING MY FOOT! I wanted to be all, “OW! DO YOU REALIZE THAT IS CONNECTED TO ME?!” But I was able to restrain myself. THEN she twisted my foot! AHHH my goodness… She made me cry. Then we were excused. “THANKS, ma’am. Have a great day. I hope one day you fall off of a waterfall and someone abuses your foot, too! Blessings!”

Did I mention I have wonderful self-restraint? J

Well. There is nothing wrong with my foot. AT ALL. That in itself is enough to make me cry. And it does. I am a mess. I do not deserve to be completely ok right now!!!!

You know something else? Yesterday morning, Colton cleared out almost all of the rocks from the pool at the bottom of the waterfall. Just for fun.

At least and at last I will have a story to tell.

I want to be changed by this for the better. I want to live in a way that reflects I am a survivor. That sounds so cheesy. Whatever. I’m still kind of traumatized. Correct terminology will have to wait for a later date (whoa, I made a rhyme!)

I keep randomly crying. I am exhausted and super sore.

This song. Thanks, Karissa J

I’m Trading my Sorrows

I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

We say yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord

yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord

yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen!

I am pressed but not crushed

Persecuted, but not abandoned

Struck down, but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse,

For His promise will endure

And His joy will be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning!

I feel super gross. But I don’t want to tackle the shower. At least not today… Sorry, guys! Debs febreezed me, so I feel that I’m golden J

The thought of trying to get out of my intercom final has definitely crossed my mind, not going to lie… But it’s not like I have much better to do.

This is such an interesting time to be on a shoe fast. I am still trying to keep it. But AHHHHHH it makes me want to cry! But you know what?! How much more do I get to depend on the Lord? Super positive J

I was feeling awful until I talked to Zach for a bit. Dude. I swear, we are going to be future best friends of life. I know what he told me was from the Lord. I really needed to hear it. Great perspective and insight, as well as a call to action. Way to be!

Not going on facebook today was KILLER!!! There is something so comforting about facebook, you know??

I am so much better right now. (ps. I wrote the first half of this this morning when I was depressed and the other half as I feel much better. Perhaps you can tell from my written ‘tude?)

My foot was doing oh so positively…. Until I was going to the FoxFire initiation (it’s an AE program. We were going to support!) and the ground was uneven… I already have sucky balance… and I may or may not have fell and landed on my injured foot. Good one. Now it has swelled exponentially and feels GREAT.

I got mail today! Thanks Mom! Best part? I got 20 franks. AKA Swiss money. Super useful in good ol’ South Africa J JK, Mom, I think it’s so cool J Thinking about exchanging it… I want to know what the rate is from Switzerland to South Africa! Educational!

I recently tried to take a shower today… but alas… no water. Sniff sniff. OH that’s me, being smelly. HA.

Intercom final tomorrow, and then I am DONE WITH IT!!!! HURRAH!!!! Everybody do a dance!! So great.

Super exhausted.

Night, world J